Wildly Unsuccessful Solo Artist LAUDS Wins at Failure,

Announces New Album

Wildly Unsuccessful Solo Artist LAUDS Wins at Failure, Announces New Album

by Angelo Mitto, in London, England

posted 18 February 2015 | 14:15pm GMT

The Brooklyn based multi-instrumentalist LAUDS has plans for a new album set for release in April. Untitled as of yet, sources close to the artist say that it will be comprised of at least one Christian Cyclic Mass. The announcement comes rather unexpectedly, and amidst public scandal and hospitalization.
Over the Presidents’ Day weekend when temperatures dipped to the coldest in decades, LAUDS was alleged to have ripped the clothes from her body while standing in front of the Metropolitan Transit Authority and headquarters of the New York City Transit system in downtown Brooklyn. Witnesses have stated that LAUDS was deliriously ranting before she climbed a flagpole naked, set fire to the flags, and attempted to use them to burn down the building located at 130 Livingston Street. NYPD and EMT personnel were dispatched to the scene and she was treated for hypothermia and mild injuries. At the time of reporting LAUDS was seeking psychiatric treatment at Bellevue Hospital and could not be reached for comment.
A screenshot of her Gmail outbox posted to social media sites last week has now gone viral, and state-appointed representatives have indicated that it may be used as a mitigating factor if the MTA and NYCT opt to press charges against her. The blurry photo (pictured below) confirmed the otherwise unbelievable fact that despite having submitted individual tracks, hidden links to albums, photos and numerous press releases, totaling nearly 2,900 e-mails, there was no interest in the artist or her work and that absolutely no one had ever reviewed any of it. Ever.
(all photos via the artist's public Facebook profile)
Also of note is how depressing the additional open tabs in her browsing session are, includingBBC Earth- Plants Talk | Gothamist- Photos | Craigslist- New York Housing | WebMD | (and lastly) Bank of America
Her longtime friend and former college roommate Joaquin Phoenix had more questions than answers about the recent turmoil surrounding LAUDS. According to Phoenix “…she was always insular, so, I guess it makes sense? On the other hand, I mean, maybe not? You know what? I don’t really know? So I’m just going to ask you? Is that OK?”Other responses from the music community were less ambiguous.
Taylor Swift was decidedly unimpressed by the unfolding events, claiming that the “whole thing is just a media shitshow.” Asked whether she believed LAUDS was actually hospitalized, Swift replied that “she should be. Look. The whole thing is, I make music and then I put it out in the world. It doesn’t take that much effort to get people’s attention. You just call someone up to do it, and BOOM it’s done. This whole campaign with other people and other people’s names and just… others. It’s like so much reflection. It’s like ‘Does she mean it? Does she not mean it?’ It’s the most uber-hipster thing ever. Except I already did it! LAUDS is totally the person I made my album ‘1989’ for. The whole thing is just really more human than human.”
Swift then copyrighted the phrase “more human than human" © .
Kanye West declined to meet in person but spoke via Skype from Los Angeles while touring his new line of big gold watches. Though he said he’d never heard of the artist prior to the allegations, he gave “an A for Effort” saying that many “people are unwilling to take risks nowadays. I mean, sure, she’s made, like, 10 EPs, or whatever, and plays all these instruments, or whatever. You gotta build your audience from the ground up. Grassroots! Never forget where you came from. That way you always know where you’re going.”
He admitted that he didn’t read reviews of his albums, and doesn’t take seriously any critique of him or his music. “Winning isn’t everything”, he continued, "but, you know…it’s a direction, and you got to have one. Me? I’m changing mine all the time.”
Many readers may remember West as having won more than 21 Grammys, but he prefers to be known as the producer-turned- phantasm who inadvertently became a muse and an object of obsession for champions of new music outlets, including Pitchfork, Noisey, Impose, Stereogum, the Fader, and other internet publications that are primarily focused on independent and underground artists.